You’re probably looking for a snappy intro to hook your attention. If so, you’re out of luck.
The mere mention of “Urban Dictionary Words of the Week” should be enough to set any potential reader off in a frenzy of anticipation.
So come on inside and behold the five best selections for this last blistering wednesday of February.
Word 1: You’re
Definition: How idiots spell the possessive adjective “your” when they think they have mastered not to misuse it.
Example(s): Lelo: What’s you’re e-mail address?
Boba: What’s I’m e-mail address??
Lelo: No, what’s you’re e-mail address?
Comment: This is all too apt. The I’m response is a good one, I’ll have to file it away. You would think that since “you’re” is a contraction, it would be easy enough for people to understand it means “you are”, whereas “your” simply does not. Can’t reason with idiots, I suppose.
Word 2: Blackberry
By: Simon Johnson
Definition: Is a device which utilizes the GPRS data service on mobile phone networks to receive email which is pushed to it (instantly). This Device is at the forefront of a new craze with the elites of business. If out on business you MUST reply to an email quickly mid conversation to distinguish your status in the room, promptly after which other people in the room must show their “need to be in the office all the time” by shuffling their blackberry out of their pocket to check for “new messages”. The blackberry is a tool which must be respected its outlook on the move, it must also be hated.
Example(s): Oh blast Simon’s out the office. No it’s ok he’s on his blackberry
Comment: Oh 2004, how I love you. If you replaced the words “Blackberry” and “E-mail” with “iPhone” and “Siri”, you would have the contemporary definition for the cutting edge of cell phone technology. Also puts into context that glitzy features like a thumb print scanner will be just as much an afterthought as e-mail in another decade.
Word 3: Firewater
Definition: Reference to strong alcohol. The Indians used this word to describe alcohol given to them by the white colonists.
Example(s): Hook me up with some of that firewater, dawg.
Comment: So simple, yet so awesome, this word needs to break its way into America’s vocabulary. It’s not as if we haven’t taken something from Native Americans before… (too soon?).
Word 4: Douche ex Machinist
Definition: A writer of limited talent who weaves a myriad of complex plot lines into the beginning of his work, only to later abandon most of those plot lines in a lazy ‘deus ex machina’ story ending.
Example(s): Did you watch the ending of ‘Battlestar Galactica’? There was a really douche ex machinist at work on that final episode!
Comment: Doux ex machina, AKA a lazy ending to a story where a creator deity or deities beams their wisdom down from the sky to tie up all the loopholes that a writer can’t close organically. And yes, anyone who leans on this crutch is most certainly a douche. On an unrelated note, I was asked to do ten words this week, but a lovely spirit told me I should stick to my guns and stop at five. (I kid, I kid, I’m just too lazy to expand beyond five.)
Word 5: Handcuff
Definition: (FANTASY SPORTS) – a player one selects for his/her fantasy team roster as a contingency for when one of the star players is injured/suspended/etc. often tends to be a backup or other teammate on the star player’s ‘Real Life’ team roster, whose stats one would expect naturally to go up as a direct consequence of the star player’s absence.
Example(s): “This is fun? It’s fun to watch your first-round pick standing sullenly on the sidelines every week as his backup whom you forgot to pick as a handcuff is putting up points? That’s fun? REALLY?” (Bill Simmons, ESPN.com – 10/02/2009)
Comment: It’s never too early or late to throw a little fantasy lingo in the mix . The handcuff is elementary fantasy jargon, but that doesn’t mean most owners will adhere to the method. It’s hard to hedge your bets on draft day and draft two players on the same team and at the same position, knowing full well that only one of them can succeed in a best case scenario. Of course, I’ve been beaten many a time by a reserve elevated by an injury to one of my star players. Where’s the justice? Alas, that’s the wonder of fantasy sports.