BY ALEX RUSSELL
A significant part of America has been experiencing single digit temperatures (or worse) every day for a few months now. Everyone’s made all the “snowpocolypse” and “Chiberia” jokes you can stand and it’s time to get away from those people.
The only way to escape and experience some form of respite is to go on vacation. There are plenty of helpful guides about how to actually book your trip (suggested Google search: “how+to+book+cheap+vacation+without+dying+house+of+cards”) but it can be tough to know which island is for you.
You’re in luck! I’m an experienced world traveler. I’ve been to all the best spots, like Iowa. Iowa’s a fine place to lay low and hide after a life of crime or before a life of basically anything, but it isn’t a great warm-weather getaway locale. For that, we need to go south!
Let’s start there, have you considered a tour of the colleges of the American South? College football is in yearly remission, so it’s safe to visit our nation’s gems like Tuscaloosa, Baton Rouge, and Fayetteville. If you’re going this route, be sure to talk to nothing but people that have never been there and plan your trip accordingly. Asking someone who has actually been to somewhere like Mississippi might actually poison your trip with facts. Just find where the college kids are having a good time and stay there. One protip on this, though, if you’re in Knoxville you’ll want to listen to moans and wailing. This actually represents having a good time in their local language, because actual joy has been illegal there for more than a decade. (Go Vols.)
If that doesn’t sound like your speed, you can gamble! Las Vegas is nice this time of year, but you can save a few dollars and get the same experience in the Biggest Little City in the World, Reno! Reno is smaller than Las Vegas, but just like its big brother Reno has had running water and indoor plumbing for almost 25 years! Reno is a vibrant city full of dim bars that are not at all nightmarish and strange. You can wander the strip and pretend you’re Danny Ocean, mostly because there will be only 11 other people out there with you.
Don’t feel like staying domestic for your trip? Too bad! America is great. Leaving it is $10,000 minimum and you will almost certainly die. Anyone who tells you they have done so is not to be trusted. Don’t take them to Reno with you.
Of course, if you’re on a budget nothing beats a visit to your horrible friend’s Facebook! Odds are you know someone in a warm climate. If you do, then you also know someone who posts lots of pictures with them sitting outside looking at a beautiful beach or other seasonally-inappropriate thing for the rest of the country. Often these posts come with taunting comments to their friends in, say, let’s just make up a place: Chicago. There’s nothing that will keep you warm like rage, and remember, “sorry, I’m not sorry” is just someone’s way of saying “I’m terrible and I have no plans to get better.”