New delivery options: Pizza Hut and Burger King think you could stand to be fatter

pizzahutBY ALEX RUSSELL

I have never done anything that made me think “It’s really hard to get a pizza right now.”

If you have (you haven’t) then Microsoft has a solution for you. Now you can order pizza on Xbox 360. Or I should say “pizza” because it’s Pizza Hut, but still. Finally, the arduous task of clicking six times becomes as easy as hitting six buttons.

They announced this service last week. You can get 15% off your first purchase if you order this week. It isn’t the stupidest thing they’ve ever done as a company, but it’s up there. My favorite part of their announcement is that you can connect your Xbox Live account with your “PizzaHut.com” account.

I hope you do not have a PizzaHut.com account. No one anywhere should have a PizzaHut.com account.

Almost a decade ago, Sony tried this with their online RPG Everquest II. You could type “/pizza” into the game and it would allow you to order a real fucking pizza, like in real life, for real! It’s almost like you’re alive!

I’m not slamming convenience. Services like GrubHub and OpenTable are easy to use and serve the perfect purpose of being able to order food on a crowded train, while you’re drunk in an apartment, or any other time you just don’t feel like calling people. These help to keep our isolated, fat, horrible culture on display, but I get them. They make sense to me.

Microsoft’s stated reason for doing this is that “Pizza Hut is a recognized brand that matches up well with the Xbox brand.”

Someone less cynical might see this as nonsensical branding language intended to explain away a stupid fucking business decision meant to find a way to say “Xbox” and “Pizza Hut” an additional time each. I see it for what it is: Microsoft thinks you’re too fat and dumb to resist this.

They call the app a “logical progression.” There is nothing logical about ordering a pizza from your Xbox. I’ve never had a problem with the way I order pizza. No one has. “As easy as ordering a pizza” is a stand-in phrase for some shit that isn’t hard to do, like at all.

In related “you-fat-shits-aren’t-stuffing-your-gob-holes-fast-enough” news, Burger King is going to offer delivery service to large metro areas including Chicago, LA, and San Francisco. Their big, exciting language about this is that it will come in “proprietary thermal packaging technology” (read as: a box) and that it will be available until the late night hour of 10 p.m. If you want delivery Burger King before 10 p.m. (read as: sober, I hope, unless you’re a Cubs fan) then you probably deserve what you get.

Everyone wants to hold up stories like these as signs that we’re going to hell as a country. I say no. If you want to order a Meat Lovers Stuffed Crust in between Madden games, do it. Just understand that they’re not exactly hiding how hard they’re laughing at you.

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