Monday Night Rawcap


The first thing I want to say about Monday Night Raw is that I really dislike the new format in which they present the recap of the previous week. They used to splice clips together using the announcers’ calls, but at some point in the last few months they cut that out and use the blockbuster movie voiceover guy instead. By the way, the big draw for tonight’s Raw is that Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Undertaker, and The Rock are actually all on the show. Shocking that that’s what it has come to for WWE, but then again the last time they were all on the same show was probably 2002.

On to the night’s action…

John Cena comes out to an incredibly negative reaction. Michael Cole tries to say it’s a bipartisan crowd, but Jerry Lawler realizes we’re not that dumb and points out everyone are booing Cena. Cena goes on a rant about how he’ll beat The Rock on Sunday. I have to be honest; Cena’s microphone skills have taken a sharp decline in the past few months. I haven’t been impressed with much that he’s had to say. The crowd, who finally actually shows some emotion after weeks of apathy, notices it as well. They have started to chant, “Boring!”

Now that Cena’s done, Randy Orton, Big Show, and Sheamus get some in-ring action to prove to everyone they can co-exist. Real tough opponents in 3MB. If there is one thing 3MB is good for, it’s the announcers making fun of them. JBL says, “They couldn’t play a jukebox.” King’s comment is a walk off, “They should call themselves 999 megabytes, because they can’t get a gig.”

3MB jobs as usual, and as expected The Shield comes out. Does anyone else think these guys look like porn stars? Seriously, I’m pretty sure Dean Ambrose is a RedTube staple. Him and Seth Rollins also could pass for the McPoyle Twins from Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Raw comes back from commercial with Dolph Ziggler standing on his head, placing Daniel Bryan in some type of submission hold. Hell of a shot to return from break.

“Undertaker eviscerates CM Punk.” Now if that’s not a desperate headline to put this weak-ass Wrestlemania over, I don’t know what is.

HBK is on Raw tonight! What a pleasant surprise. He’s way too cowboy’d out; even more surprising. Looks like he’s standing in Triple H’s corner at Wrestlemania. So, since retiring, that makes two out of three Wrestlemanias that HBK will be involved.

Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar interrupt just before Hunter and Shawn can say, “Suck it!” I have to hand it to Heyman. The dude knows how to sell a match and get a pop from the crowd.

The commercial promo WWE put together for CM Punk and Undertaker is incredible.

Zack Ryder gets a chance to job to Wade Barrett. Washington D.C. doesn’t seem to care much that he’s wrestling. The Miz has the guest spot on commentary. I hate Miz as a face; he’s so much better as a heel. I also hate that at Wrestlemania he’ll perform a far from stirring rendition of the Figure-4 Leglock.

The whole “Really?” thing that Miz does is almost as annoying as Stone Cold’s “What?”

I don’t think Brad Maddox has changed outfits in months. He tells Santino Marrella that he has a match next and accidentally manages to do a spot on imitation of Cam from Modern Family in the process.

Vickie Guerrero is the worst actress ever. Still can’t believe they let her on TV.

WWE’s way of selling Mark Henry vs. Ryback is not letting them touch each other because of some “No contact clause.” They really are taking the ‘sports’ out of sports entertainment.

CM Punk cuts a backstage promo. I don’t know if he’s the best wrestler ever, but I really do think he is the Best In The World on the microphone. I watch Raw on a weekly basis because of CM Punk. He’s a phenomenal heel. One thing I don’t understand is why he consistently wears a zip-up hoodie with no pants; just his wrestling tights. Why not put some shorts on? Stop standing there with your dick tip poking out.

I’m not a fan of Jack Swagger (although his new music has grown on me), but this Zeb Coulter character is incredible. I say that because the promos he cuts are those kind of promos where you initially say, “This is ridiculous. I can’t believe they (WWE) are actually doing this.” Then you watch a couple more with the mindset of, “Okay what are they going to have this guy say next.” While you think you might have the upper hand on WWE by holding a “I’m just watching to see what ridiculous stunt they’ll cook up next,” that’s actually exactly what WWE wants—they have the upper hand.

WWE has had such a tough time putting this Wrestlemania title match over. The actual wrestling component isn’t that interesting. Plain and simple.

I thought when Monday Night Raw went to three hours last July that meant they would use the extra hour to promote some of the younger talent, but what it actually means is they’ll fill the extra hour showing you recaps of what happened earlier on the show.

It’s tough to beat the energy of the intro to The Rock’s theme music. It gets you pumped.

Looks like G.I. Joe came in at #1 in the box office. Makes sense considering he spent so much time off WWE cameras to promote the damn movie.

I noted earlier how I’m disappointed in John Cena’s downturn in mic skills. I have to say I partly feel the same way about The Rock. He bounces his hand with every word, and calls his opponent “Jack” all the time.

That being said, he just killed it with his “Barack/The Rock” presidential line.

The fact that Chris Jericho will put over Fandango at Wrestlemania is enough to earn Time Magazine’s Person of the Year.

Tonight he wrestles Antonio Cesaro. Cesaro is the United States Champion and on the Raw before Wrestlemania, he’s in a warmup match for Chris Jericho. I think it’s safe to say that, with no story for Cesaro, he’ll be relegated to the YouTube prematch on Sunday. While I’m on the topic of Cesaro, his outfit is incredibly awkward. He needs gloves or some other accessory. Alright, now this is turning into a fashion blog…

Here comes Fandango and his million dollar entrance. He singlehandedly ruins the profit margin on ticket sales for WWE.

This D.C. crowd is great. Fandango interferes and they chant, “You can’t wrestle!”

I said last week that they would make an 8-man mix tag match with The Funkadactyls versus the Rhodes Scholars and Bella Twins. Let’s see if I’m right…

Yep, there it is.

King never fails at the creepy old uncle role. Michael Cole says, “Ever since The Bella Twins have returned to the WWE, they have rubbed everyone the wrong way.” Of course, King replies, “They can rub me any way.”

It’s time for Undertaker to ‘eviscerate CM Punk’, whatever that means.

Maybe it’s just me, but Undertaker seems far less threatening with a buzz cut.

He’s going with the non-Bowser look with the cape tonight. Let’s see what he has to say…

Undertaker says hat CM Punk will pay “the ultimate price.” He said the same thing about Shawn Michaels three years ago, “Shawn Michaels’ obsession will force him to pay the ultimate price.”

Here we go, druids coming out. Punk has something good up his sleeve.

OH MY GOD! This is incredible. Paul Heyman dressed as Paul Bearer. Punk dressed as a druid—this is awesome! And the D.C. crowd is actually chanting Punk’s name!

I wish Jim Ross were announcing this. Punk is pouring (presumably) Paul Bearer’s ashes on Undertaker.

A Fantastic finish to an otherwise average Raw. I’m still skeptical of the Wrestlemania card, but this match will be worth it.

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