BY BRIAN GODAR
March Madness is here, so along with it, Poor Scholars did some goofy brackets of our own. Poor Scholars’ own Brian Godar unveils our Mascot Bracket.
Louisville (1) vs. NC A&T (16)
In the only fight you’ll see a bulldog win in this bracket, it takes out a puny cardinal.
Colorado State (8) vs. Missouri (9)
Pardon my French, but it’s a damn tiger! A ram is a male sheep, which sounds like a light snack to a. freaking. tiger.
Oklahoma State (5) vs. Oregon (12)
Anyone who grew up with an NES can kill a pathetic duck,so I have faith in the rootin’ tootin’ settlers of our country’s great wild west.
Saint Louis (4) vs. New Mexico State (13)
Cowboy again, but this time he’s taking on a little elf thing. My diction should tell which fighter I’m backing.
Memphis (6) vs. Saint Mary’s (11)
In one of the few tiger-related upsets you will see, I am choosing the ancient Irish warrior. We all know the ancient Celts were knee-deep in alien shenanigans, and I’m saying the aliens will help this warrior beat a tiger. Aliens always trump tigers. Fact.
Michigan State (3) vs. Valparaiso (14)
The Spartan is going to beat a smelly (historically accurate, look it up) Crusader any day of the week.
Creighton (7) vs. Cincinnati (10)
What the hell is a bearcat? It’s not important for this round, because blue jays are what, six ounces? Anything with ‘bear’ in its name can beat a blue jay.
Duke (2) vs. Albany (15)
Like any decent human being, I hate Duke. Also, as a former Blue Demon, I hold a special grudge against the Blue Devils. Enjoy the victory, Marmaduke.
NC A&T vs. Missouri
Oklahoma State vs. New Mexico State
Potato, potato? Hm… that works better when said aloud…. Anyway, I’m choosing New Mexico State because they had the creativity to actually name their cowboy.
Saint Mary’s vs. Michigan State
If aliens trumped a tiger, what chance does a Spartan have? They still use spears.
Cincinnati vs. Albany
I’m liking this bearcat thing, even though I haven’t bothered to look it up yet. I’m going to continue to support it and see where it takes me.
Gonzaga (1) vs. Southern (16)
Bulldogs tend to have chronic breathing problems. I don’t think that can be said about any jaguar, ever.
Pittsburgh (8) vs. Wichita State (9)
Cats are easily startled, and being shocked by whatever the hell WuShock is would send a panther running.
Wisconsin (5) vs. Ole Miss (12)
I have shot a badger before and I’m not even that rebellious.
Kansas State (4) vs. La Salle (13)
What kind of wildcat are we talking about? A mountain lion could take on a human, but other than that, the human wins. Due to lack of specificity, La Salle moves on.
Arizona (6) vs. Belmont (11)
I’m not getting on a bear’s bad side.
New Mexico (3) vs. Harvard (14)
Pilgrims kind of suck. Wolves do not.
Notre Dame (7) vs. Iowa State (10)
Every day is a cyclone to a drunken Irishman; what’s so special about this one?
Ohio State (2) vs. Iona (15)
The buckeye may be poisonous, but it has no offensive capabilities. “Avoid consuming,” can’t be your weak spot if you hope to move on in this bracket.
Southern vs. Wichita State
Ditto to the last cat vs. shock elemental fight.
Ole Miss vs. La Salle
The rebels are the more badass person, so they move on.
Belmont vs. New Mexico
A 1 v. 1 fight between a wolf and a bear ends one way: with the bear wearing a wolf pelt as a cape.
Notre Dame vs. Iona
I’m giving it to Notre Dame, even though I’m having a hard time differentiating these two mascots.
Kansas (1) vs. Western Kentucky (16)
What is a hilltopper? Jayhawk wins.
North Carolina (8) vs. Villanova (9)
Rams are glorified sheep. They never win.
VCU (5) vs. Akron (12)
Even a kangaroo is better than a ram.
Michigan (4) vs. South Dakota State (13)
Wolverines are nasty piles of teeth and carnage, and they smell awful, which is always a plus in competition (just ask Mark ‘Shit’ Shlereth)
UCLA (6) vs. Minnesota (11)
Bears are huge while gophers are small. That’s the only math needed.
Florida (3) vs. Northwestern State (14)
Alligators are demons, but craftier ones because they have disguised themselves. Better demon beats suckier demon.
San Diego State (7) vs. Oklahoma (10)
Hm, people who showed up early, or a culture that rips out hearts to appease primitive gods? Guard your heart.
Georgetown (2) vs. Florida Gulf Coast (15)
Eagle talons are scary things, especially when you’re a rotund little canine.
Kansas vs. Villanova
The stupidly generic wildcat can at least beat a silly bird.
Akron vs. Michigan
All the kangaroo’s hopping would accomplish is pissing off the wolverine even more than its natural George Costanza level.
UCLA vs. Florida
Gator vs. bear is an awesome Sy Fy movie combination waiting to happen. Since basketball courts tend to be on dry land, I’m giving it to the bear.
San Diego State vs. Florida Gulf Coast
Most paintings I see of Aztec warriors show them with feather adornments. Doesn’t look good for our eagle friend.
Indiana (1) vs. JMU (16)
Rambo would have a hissy fit if Indiana didn’t make it out of the first round of my bracket, so here’s a bone, go get it.
N.C. State (8) vs. Temple (9)
Wolves over owls. Nothing clever needed.
UNLV (5) vs. California (12)
Golden bears will rip some puny rebels to shreds.
Syracuse (4) vs. Montana (13)
What is a fruit going to do against a godless killing machine?
Butler (6) vs. Bucknell (11)
It’s not a good day to be a bulldog. Maybe if he’d been up against a blue jay or something.
Marquette (3) vs. Davidson (14)
Again, depends on the type of cat. Eagles can take on most of them, so I’m inclined to go that way.
Illinois (7) vs. Colorado (10)
This is a match-up made in heaven. For one of them. The one that has historically hunted and used every piece of the other for food, shelter, and tools.
Miami (2) vs. Pacific (15)
Not many things are beating a full-on hurricane.
Indiana vs. N.C. State
I can’t justify a Hoosier even escaping from a pack of wolves, much less winning in a fight.
California vs. Montana
The golden bear is a bear and it’s gold. That’s the extra edge it needed to win this match-up.
Marquette vs. Bucknell
How are these two conducting their fight? Neither is winning, so I’m giving it to the mammal because its bones are solid.
Illinois vs. Miami
Hurricanes are a force of nature. No Native American is going against nature.
Missouri vs. New Mexico State
The tiger surprises the cowboy, who is most like inbred, and wins this fight.
Saint Mary’s vs. Cincinnati
I finally looked up what bearcats are, and they’re pretty weird freaky little things. That, however, is not one of the weaknesses of the Celts’ alien overlords.
Wichita St. vs. Ole Miss
Humans are mostly water, which conducts electricity. The rebels are kind of screwed here.
Notre Dame vs. Belmont
This is where the drunk Irishman gets bested; by a nearly perfect blend of claws, teeth, and brawn.
Villanova vs. Michigan
Wolverines could do serious damage to humans. That means they own most cats.
UCLA vs. San Diego State
A bunch of Aztecs could probably take out a single bear. Too bad the logo isn’t two bears, because that is an unstoppable force if I’ve ever seen one.
N.C. State vs. California
This reminds me of the final T-Rex vs. Velociraptor fight in Jurassic Park. If I remember correctly, the giant predator beat the multitude of smaller predators.
Bucknell vs. Miami
Tornadoes can lift cows, as seen in Twister. Hurricanes can probably do the same with the cow-cousin bison.
Missouri vs. Saint Mary’s
Aliens have taken out one tiger, and they can easily take out another.
Wichita St. vs. Belmont
Bears have thick hides, and lightning is just bound to make them mad.
Michigan vs. San Diego State
Wolverines are scavengers, so they could forge guerrilla warfare against the Aztecs with the buffet the sacrificial bodies strewn about.
California vs. Miami
This hurricane is wiping out everything in its path, bears included.
Saint Mary’s vs. Michigan
Tigers, wolverines, it doesn’t really matter to aliens.
Belmont vs. Miami
The hurricane wins, folks.
National Championship Game
Saint Mary’s vs. Miami
All hail our new overlords, the mighty aliens. Yes, in a strange turn of events, Saint Mary’s wins this tournament because the aliens could just cook the Earth with their laser beams and such, and they’re not in our atmosphere, so hurricanes have no effect on them.