Somehow, having hundreds of thousands of words at our disposal isn’t enough for us English speakers.
New words are invented almost daily, with varying levels of success. Some words that start as informal works of imagination start to catch onto other people’s tongues and can even be inaugurated into the English Dictionary if they gather enough buzz. The spoken word has always been one of the most powerful devices known to man, broadcasting information across thousands of miles to millions of recipients without advertisement or incentive.
The transmission of words remains largely random in today’s world, but there are some ways to get new phrases kick started thanks to sites like Urban Dictionary. I’m going to cruise the many pages of obscure, disturbing and hilarious phrases to find a quality group of words that are trending each week. Hopefully, we might just be able to catch a word or two on its’ way to usage stardom.
Word 1: Passhole
By: Paul Laibach
Definition: The idiot drivers that move steadily along, but suddenly increase speed when they wake up and realize you are passing them. If they succeed in blocking your opportunity to pass, they will immediately resume the former, annoying pace. If you pass them successfully, they will ride your bumper for a short time before returning to la-la land.
Example(s): That’s right you F%$&!@# passhole. Suddenly you’re in a big F%$&!@# hurry!
Comment: I’ve been on both the sending and receiving end of this conundrum. I love when people can provide a phonetically pleasing way to describe everyday situations.
Word 2: Jorts
Definition: Jean shorts. Worn mostly by children and douchebags. Jorts are perhaps the easiest way to recognize people you will not like. If you wear jorts, you probably don’t talk to girls. The term “jorts” does not apply to jean shorts worn by black people, as those are entirely acceptable.
Example(s): The kid next to me was definitely a total dick; he was wearing jorts.
Comment: The word “jorts” and their fashionable shortcomings have become commonplace, but I love how direct and concise this definition is in describing 99% of people who have ever donned a pair of jean shorts.
Word 3: John Madden
Definition: Any phrase spoken aload that has an unintentional sexual inuendo. Derived from the fact that everything John Madden says can be taken in a sexual way.
Example(s): The following is a John Madden, spoken by the legend himself: “Boy, there was some deep penetration in the backfield on that play!”
Comment: I had never heard of a “John Madden” up to this point, but now that I think about it he does seem to have a lot of sexual double entendre. Then again, sports as a whole are chock full of sexual double entendre.
Word 4: Head Smear
Definition: People on public transport who are sleepy or lazy often rest their heads against the window, “head smear” is the blurry Vaseline like substance left on the glass that comes from the oil and grease in their hair.
“Heya honey, what? … I’m not sure what station I’m at because there’s head smear everywhere and I can’t see the platform.”
Comment: It doesn’t take a public transportation veteran to know that buses and trains manage to look dirty wherever you look. An untouched window is a definitively clean sight, so might as well dirty those up too so that they fit in.
Word 5: Cobbler
Definition: A kitchen worker that possesses no useful skills and is considered absolute rock bottom in the culinary field. This person is not deserving of the term shoemaker. A cobbler is characterized by frequent burning of foods, tasteless end products, unsightly plated entrees, poor sanitation practices, and a general sense of worthlessness.
Example(s): Chef 1: “Did you taste that garbage Philly put out for the reception?”
Chef 2: “Yes, unfortunately. Apparently, the best he could muster.”
Chef 3: “Poor bastard thinks he’s a Chef; just a cobbler after all.”
Comment: As a person somewhat paranoid about pissing off food service staff, this one seems poignant. Like in any industry, just because they’re considered professional cooks doesn’t mean they’re all good at what they do.
Check back in next week for a fresh take on a fresh set of words as only Poor Scholars can do.
Disclaimer: Use the “random” button on Urban Dictionary with caution. For every amusing definition like those above, there were five disturbing phrases and five commonplace words that took time and innocence which I will never get back. Thank you and enjoy your Wednesday.