Legends of rock: Wyld Stallyns

s-BILL-AND-TED-largeBY RAMBO NOMOLOS

Most of you should be familiar with the most excellent Bill S. Preston, Esq. and Ted Theodore Logan by now. These two duders only formed one of the most successful and influential rock bands of the past two decades: Wyld Stallyns.

Hailing from San Dimas, California, Wyld Stallyns started as a garage band comprised of the two aforementioned members in 1988 who could neither play the guitar nor sing. They never let this bogus fact hold them back. Owing their musical inspiration to acts such as Megadeth, Primus, Ludwig van Beethoven and Van Halen (they had at one time hoped to bring Eddie Van Halen into the band on guitar) to name a few. While also being ideologically influenced by some of history’s most important people including Socrates (So-Crates dude), Napoleon, Billy the Kid, Genghis Khan, Joan of Arc and Abraham Lincoln. Wyld Stallyns went on to change not only the music industry but also inspire universal harmony with their killer guitar riffs and powerful lyrics.

Sunday marked the 55th anniversary of the Grammy’s and the return of a half-way decent show. While Wyld Stallyns were not to be seen or heard from at the show, it served as a reminder that when all is said and done the 14-time Grammy award winners should be receiving the Grammy Lifetime Achievement Award along with being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

In honor of Wyld Stallyns, let’s take a look back at their excellent career. Not just the many great successes, but also the numerous trials, tribulations and controversies along the way starting from the very beginning of a career spanning more than two decades.

1988 – This marked a seminal moment in the formation of Wyld Stallyns and the beginning of their excellent adventure. Facing the possibility of failing out of high school and being sent to military school, Bill and Ted give one of the most excellent history reports ever including great dudes from history to ensure Wyld Stallyns will be able to party on.

It was during 1988 that Bill S. Preston, Esq. and Ted Theodore Logan meet Rufus (he would later go on to moonlight under the stage name George Carlin) who inspires them to continue with their dreams of rock stardom. Rufus also gives them brand new guitars to help them on along their righteous paths. With this most outstanding act, Wyld Stallyns was born.

1989-1990 – Bill and Ted have been quiet about these years and only given glimpses into what they were up to. Many fans refer to this time as the “lost years, dude” and it is widely rumored they spent most of their time smoking copious amounts of marijuana, playing Super Mario, and drinking Mountain Dew in San Dimas while also working for pretzels and cheese. It is also widely speculated that Bill and Ted’s “lost years, dude” included in part an intensive 16 month guitar training session where they learned to hone their craft and really shred.

1991 – Through a series of board game victories, Reaper joins Wyld Stallyns on the bass. The band also competes in the 4th Annual Battle of the Bands (sponsored by Reebok and Mountain Dew). The band’s subsequent performance and victory was broadcast around the world and a legion of Wyld Stallyn fans was created.

1992 – Wyld Stallyns release their first self titled album containing mega hits such as “Don’t Do Your Homework Without Wearing Headphones,”  “How’s It Goin’ Dudes?” and “We’re Total Metal Heads.”

Wyld Stallyns went on to become the largest selling rock album of all-time and earned the band their first trip to the Grammy’s where Wyld Stallyns went on to win Best New Artist, Record of the Year, Album of the Year, Song of the Year and sweep the rock category.

1993 – Following their Grammy success, Wyld Stallyns embarked on their first tour of the United States. While touring the Midwest it was reported by the San Francisco Chronicle that crops increased by 30%. They also were the first ever band to play a show in the Grand Canyon. This two night performance was reportedly attended by over 2 million fans.

1994 – After a yearlong US tour, the band began to experience their first real setback since exploding on the scene just three years earlier.

Both Bill and Ted ended their brief marriages to princesses and babes, Elizabeth and Joanna. Both were cited as saying “our girlfriends are most chaste.” During this time frame the young rock megastars were linked to every female celebrity from Jenny McCarthy to Michelle Pfeiffer to Donna D’Errico.

1995 – This year saw Wyld Stallyns take a step back from the limelight. It has been speculated that this was not by choice. Bill has been quoted saying that he “had a most bogus addiction to cocaine during the mid-nineties.” It is believed that during their hiatus from the public eye, Bill spent most of the time in and out of rehab.

1997 – With their personal lives back on track, (they would remarry Elizabeth and Joanna mentioning something about evil robots during Bill’s cocaine fueled years) Wyld Stallyns released their second studio album entitled Be Excellent to Each Other.

Be Excellent to Each Other failed to match their initial album’s sales numbers, but did go on to become diamond certified. It also produced two number one hits: “Full On Robot Chubby” and “I Can’t Believe You Melvined Death.”

Wyld Stallyns went on to sweep the rock categories at the Grammy’s for the second time, but lost Record of the Year and Song of the Year to Babyface and Eric Clapton while also losing out on Album of the Year to Celine Dion.

This bogus injustice caused Bill to relapse and he was arrested three days after the Grammy’s with large amounts of cocaine in his Porsche 911. Ted was also arrested at a Grammy after party for drunk and disorderly conduct and refusal to stop playing the air guitar.

2000 – Following yet another hiatus from the public eye, Wyld Stallyns made headlines as one of the only artists to come out and support Napster.

Bill and Ted were quoted as saying “those Metallica guys are total dicks and those duders only wish they could shred as hard as we could…excellent.” In a rare moment of insight into their beliefs they were also quoted as saying “dude, this is a totally deep fall” in an existential reference to the declining state of the music industry and the vindictive reactions of its artists towards the fans.

2001 – Wanting to give back to the fans, Wyld Stallyns launched a world tour that saw them play sold out shows around the world headlining venues such as Wembley Stadium and Vatican City.

2003 – Following their 2001 world tour, Bill and Ted were back in the studio, this time working on an ill-advised rock/rap album that saw Reaper rap over the Bill and Ted’s guitar playing. Sign of the Devil, Dude was the band’s first great failure and was critically panned as one of the “worst albums to ever be recorded.”

The failure coupled with their disastrous performance with Limp Bizkit at the Grammy’s led to rumors of Wyld Stallyns demise that caused the DOW to drop nearly 600 points the day the rumor of their split leaked.

Rumors were also circulating during this time that both Bill and Ted were involved in as many as 27 paternity suits seemingly being accused of impregnating a babe in every country they had ever performed.  Many of these cases are still pending today.

2005 — After their 2003 breakup, Bill became involved in many philanthropic endeavors and made it his goal to prove a guitar to every child in Africa. It was widely questioned as to why he wanted to give guitars to every child in Africa, but he is on the record as saying “it would be most excellent, dude.”

Ted moved and purchased a small island off of the southern coast of Florida where he has allegedly been trying to create the most potent strain of marijuana known to mankind.

Undeterred by Wyld Stallyns commercial nu-metal flop, Reaper released another rap album entitled How’s It Hangin Death? Coming as a surprise to no one it was a commercial and critical flop.

2007 – It is around this time that rumors of a Wyld Stallyns reunion begin to populate the Internet.

2008 – Bill and Ted announce on their MySpace page that they will be performing for one-night only at Madison Square Garden on August 27th. The show sells out in 52 seconds and is hailed as the greatest live rock performance of all time.

2009 – To much fanfare, Wyld Stallyns announced that they were reuniting to save the music industry and headed to the studio to work on their first pure rock album in over a decade.

2010 – We Used to be Pussweeds but Now We’re Metal…Again, the band’s fourth studio album is released. The album shatters the record sales of Wyld Stallyns and also produces five number one hits: “Station’s Creation,” “We Mugged Three People and Stole Their Clothes…In Heaven,” “Dinner’s Over Worm Dude,” “Catch Ya’ Later Babes” and “Air Guitar To Eliminate Smog.”

2011 – This year’s Grammy’s marked the second time ever that an artist has completely swept all the major awards at the Grammy’s as Wyld Stallyns take home Grammys for Best Hard Rock/Metal Performance, Best Rock Song, Best Rock Album, Record of The Year, Album of the Year, and Song of the Year. Their groundbreaking album We Used to be Pussweeds but Now We’re Metal…Again cements Wyld Stallyns as the greatest rock band of all time.

2012 and beyond – Wyld Stallyns embark on a tour of the Middle East in an effort to promote world peace. They also have plans of converting the world’s nuclear arsenal to fuel for their amplifiers. They will no doubt go on to influence future societies with their music and ideas.

Wyld Stallyns Rule!

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