BY BRIAN GODAR
There is no point in hiding it; it has finally happened. Hollywood, fresh off another year packed full of remakes like The Amazing Spider-Man, Dredd, Red Dawn, and The Three Stooges, has run out of ideas completely. Where do you go once you have remade or created a sequel to every movie that was good enough to warrant it? The obvious choice is to look for new ideas from fresh writing talent, but Hollywood would much rather recycle than manufacture. Once you have made that decision, the only choice left is to decide what concept/film/franchise to recycle. You could remake a movie that is just a bit below average (which is now the best project available because everything good has been done and redone), but that might let on that Hollywood as a whole is slipping. No, instead of testing the waters by remaking so-so movies, the only choice possible is to cannonball straight into the deep end by taking a universally reviled film and remaking it. It is a move that is so overtly stupid and bold that the consumer has to believe that the movie studio has a trick up their sleeve. I am here to tell you that they probably don’t.
Are you scared yet? I tried to lower your expectations as much as I could, but I don’t think it was enough. Eventually I have to tell you what awful movie is getting remade, right? OK, but remember that you’re reading this voluntarily, so you can’t blame me when the world seems a bit bleaker after hearing about this.
That pit is in your stomach for a good reason, because Fox International Productions has green lit a remake of 2007’s (already this sentence is ridiculous; 2007 was six years ago!) critically panned and viewer-despised Hitman, titled Agent 47. This move comes as a blow to anybody with even the smallest amount of sense or taste. The original movie was one of the worst thing I have ever had the displeasure of watching. It was such a bad movie that I had to turn it off an hour in. For the record, I love awful movies. Flash Gordon, Wild Wild West (yes, the Will Smith movie), and David Lynch’s Dune are some of my absolute favorite movies, so you should listen when I tell you just how awful Hitman was and how terrible the sequel is going to be. I like 99% of the movies that I watch, and Hitman is the only movie I have ever had to turn off midway through. Hitman is currently carrying a 14% rating at Rotten Tomatoes, which I’m pretty sure disqualifies it from being considered a professional movie. I have always maintained that Timothy Olyphant is an amazing TV actor but an awful movie actor, and Hitman is almost entirely responsible for that (plus Deadwood and Justified proving that he is awesome in TV shows).
So with Timothy Olyphant off Raylan Givens-ing it up on Justified (Tuesdays at 10/9c), who did Fox get to headline this piece of cinematic garbage? Well, they decided that ruining our faith in humanity by giving us two Hitman movies wasn’t enough, so now they’re eviscerating our memories of another franchise, The Fast and the Furious, by bringing in one of the franchise’s lead actors, Paul Walker, to play the barcoded Agent 47 himself. Don’t get me wrong, Paul Walker is a great actor…. As long as the role he is playing is that of Brian O’Conner in The Fast and the Furious movies. That’s not an insult, either. I know Rambo, Scott, and I here at Poor Scholars love the franchise like no other. However, none of us are going to champion Paul Walker as the best actor in Hollywood, and that is honestly what it would take for Agent 47 to be anything other than a giant waste of time, money, and my sanity.
Agent 47 doesn’t have a release date yet, but I’m willing to bet it’s the same date as the next “end of the world” scare. The only difference is that this time I hope the apocalypse is real, otherwise we’re left with a world that doesn’t end after being afflicted with a second Hitman movie, and that is one purgatory that I can’t deal with.