The Poor Scholars staff spent part of the week debating important Super Bowl questions like, “Who will win?”, “Which commercial are you looking forward to?”, and most importantly, “If Celebrity Deathmatch were still at halftime, who would you wanna see fight?”
Poor Scholars Super Bowl coverage:
The big questions for the big game:
Prediction: 49ers 24, Ravens 21. MVP: Frank Gore.
Rooting for: 49ers and Randy Moss. I like Ray Lewis, but I’m tired of him.
Best snack: Ruffles potato chips and Dean’s french onion dip. Like alcoholics with alcohol, I’m brand-specific with my addiction to chips and dip.
Commercial: I can’t WAIT for the Fast and Furious 6 commercial and I hope they put the talking E*TRADE baby to bed. Permanently.
Celebrity Deathmatch: Tom Brady vs. Peyton Manning. They’re the quarterbacks I wanted to see on Sunday, anyways.
Final thought: I don’t want Colin Kaepernick to score a touchdown and bring “Kaepernicking” out. Stop jacking moves from Big Poppa Pump, Colin.
Prediction: 49ers 23, Ravens 17
Rooting for: I don’t want either team to win per se, but I’d be more entertained if the Ravens won and we got to spend the offseason listening to windbags blather about Joe Flacco being elite.
Best snack: A big salad bowl full of skittles.
Commercial: Taken 3-D
Celebrity Deathmatch: Jon Gruden vs. Mel Kiper
Final thought: The Super Bowl is America’s reminder of what’s truly important, and atop our collective priority list: Consumerism, gluttony and football. If you’re at a party with many friends, and some you don’t know too well, a general red flag for one’s personality is if they watch the halftime show or shush others during commercials.
Prediction: 49ers 31, Ravens 24. MVP: Frank Gore.
Rooting for: As a alum of Ball So Hard University, Class of 2011, I am a big fan of Dean T-Sizzle, aka Terrell Suggs. The most entertaining man in football deserves a Super Bowl title, so I suppose I’m rooting for him.
Best snack: Pretzels. The real circular-shaped one, not pretzel sticks.
Commercial: Sorry, don’t care about the ads. But I will be watching Beyonce’s halftime performance closely.
Celebrity Deathmatch: Roger Goodell vs. Bud Selig vs. David Stern vs. Gary Bettman. Is there any way all four guys can lose?
Final thought: Goodbye, for seven months, beautiful football. You may cause horrific injuries and occupy way too much of our weekends, but I – and America – love you so.
Prediction: Ravens 35, 49ers 32. Colin Kaepernick has a chance to march down the field and win/tie the game in the two-minute drill, but ends up throwing a pick to Ray Lewis, who is subsequently named MVP for sake of nostalgia, despite the fact that Joe Flacco and Torrey Smith will be more deserving. Neither defense has a particularly strong showing, confirming that the defensive powerhouse is truly dead in football.
Rooting for: I definitely would like to see the Ravens win, since they remind me so much of the Bears team that I love and agonize over after the Bears manage to miss the playoffs in ridiculous fashion nearly every year. An inconsistent gun-slinging quarterback with a good running back and a veteran defense that helps to carry the team reminds me all too much of how they like to play football in the Windy City, or maybe I should say “liked” now that Marc Trestman is in charge.
Best snack: I’m going to have to go with buffalo wings. Not barbecue wings or boneless “wings” that are really just chicken nuggets for people afraid of sauce, but the classic version; that kind slathered in hot sauce that leave you covered from hand to face. And I’d also like to formally call out anyone who is going to have pizza as the main food option for their Super Bowl party, which is probably 90% of America. We order pizza to supplement any informal event. Have hot dogs or hamburgers, (or wings!) something that originated under the Stars and Stripes to show your allegiance to the most American day of the year besides the Fourth of July.
Commercial: I never quite know what I’m going to find when it comes to Super Bowl commercials, but I’m usually a fan of at least one of the spots from Doritos. Will Tim make his return? I hope so, because I’ve met a few Tims since the last airing who need to understand why I insist on making Doritos references during conversation.
Celebrity Deathmatch: Justin Timberlake vs. Janet Jackson. Neither has been on the map much lately, but that doesn’t mean that they haven’t already been immortalized as Super Bowl legends. The wardrobe malfunction of Super Bowl XXXVIII will never be forgotten by fans and the NFL alike, who has gone on to book the most vanilla halftime acts available ever since. That was definitely one of my most vivid memories from childhood Super Bowls, so I’d love to see the bloody resolution all these years later.
Final thought: Short Super Bowl etiquette PSA: To the person at every party who says that they only watch the Super Bowl for the commercials, please shut up. You’re not original, and hopefully you don’t consider yourself a football fan, because after you say something like that no one else thinks you are. You’re also probably the person who won’t end up paying attention to any of the game, including the commercials that you thought it necessary to profess your love for an hour earlier. If you want to be invited to the same party again next year, then at least try to come up with a new airheaded conversation starter instead of trying to repackage the same pile of anti-football blasphemy. Now that I got that off of my chest, I’m ready to watch a Super Bowl that doesn’t feature the Packers, Patriots, or Giants. The game should be filled with fourth quarter drama and worth watching closely, per usual.
Prediction: 49ers obviously win, Colin Kaepernick MVP and runs for 200 yards.
Rooting for: San Francisco
Best snack: Dip
Commercial: I’ll be too drunk to focus on commercials.
Celebrity Deathmatch: Rihanna vs Nicki Minaj’s ass
Final thought: Ray Lewis killed a man and eats deer antlers.
Prediction: There are a lot of people out there who think that this is going to be a close game. The Ravens appear to have a lot going for them. The last three Super Bowl champions have opened the season against the Philadelphia Eagles as the Ravens did this year, the football gods don’t want Randy Moss to win a Super Bowl and Ray Lewis being all jacked up on PEDs — playing better than he has in years — but the 49ers are just a better team. I don’t even think this game is going to be close: 38-22 San Francisco.
Rooting for: The Bears aren’t in the Super Bowl, so as long as one of the teams isn’t the Packers I have no vested interest in rooting for either team.
(Editor’s Note: I call “bullshit.” Rambo is definitely gambling on the game and will have some sort of monetary rooting interest.)
Best snack: This is an obvious answer: “Game day bucket go BOOM.”
Commercial: Again, this question couldn’t be any easier to answer. I am unbelievably excited to see the trailer for Fast Six (technically they are calling it Fast and Furious 6 but I like Fast Six better)
Celebrity Deathmatch: The fans of New Orleans are clamoring for a Jonathan Vilma vs. Roger Goodell death match and so am I. The only issue here is if Goodell found a way to win, the city of New Orleans would burn to the ground.
Final thought: After working through these questions, I now hope that the Ravens win. My reasoning is that I am hoping for Ray Lewis to win MVP and then make a Hollywood Hogan-esque heel turn when they ask him the obligatory question about Disney World; admitting that he took PEDs, flipping Goodell the bird, and dancing all over the field.
Prediction: While everyone in the media is focusing on how this is the first Super Bowl with two brothers as opposing head coaches, I don’t think anyone has mention the most important factor in this matchup: John Harbaugh is the older brother. Don’t give me that, “They’re only 15 months apart,” bullshit. Quick question: How many of you are younger siblings? OK, now of those that answered “yes,” how many of you have ever beaten your older sibling at anything? The entire point of the sibling dynamic is that it heavily favors the older child. Believe me, I’m the older child and I am ridiculously better at everything than my sibling. Oh, it’s also going to be high scoring, because when two brothers go head to head, defense takes a back seat. I expect Joe Flacco to whip the ball down field at Shane Falco lengths, and Colin Kaepernick, ever the double threat, is going to find a way to break out of the pocket and lope around the field like a gazelle.
John Harbaugh: 34, Jim Harbaugh: 24. Joe Flacco MVP, becoming the only Super Bowl MVP who still has to explain to other people why he’s elite.
Rooting for: Oh wow, this one is tough. On one hand, I find it ridiculously entertaining when Ray Lewis thanks God after a win even though he killed a man, and Joe Flacco insisting that he is elite because he can complete some long passes never gets old. On the other hand, Randy Moss is the greatest wide receiver ever, stats be damned, and Jim Harbaugh is a wildcard with his unpredictable temper tantrums. Who am I kidding, regardless of which game is being played, I root for the Bears. Da Bearssss!
Best snack: I have to agree with Rambo, and it’s mostly because the catchphrase pisses off our other roommate to no end. Game day bucket go BOOM!
Commercials: While I can’t predict which specific commercial is going to be the best, I am giving a leg up to Bud Light and Doritos, two companies who consistently deliver some of the best commercials. That said, I am holding their commercials up to a particularly high standard and I will not suffer foolish ads lightly. I am quickly growing tired of GoDaddy.com and their half-nude commercials with the promise of “unrated content on our website.” If anything, the commercials on their website feature even more clothing….. I mean, I never checked out the website looking for more nudity! …. Damn it… Where’s that damn backspace key?
Celebrity Deathmatch: The cast of Jersey Shore vs. Ray Lewis. Who doesn’t want to see the cast of Jersey Shore get their blow outs and fake tans ripped from their bodies? Better yet, who doesn’t want to see Ray Lewis kill six more people? Guidos vs. a man who recovered from a torn biceps in less than half the time it normally takes. This fight would be great for the same reason that Monster Trucks are awesome. It’s not a fight so much as a reverse firing squad, with one executioner and six victims. Instead of husks of cars being crushed by a 10 ton truck, we get to see husks of human beings being eviscerated by a man so intimidating that the friends he framed for murder never once tried to blame it on him. Prison is bad, but it’s a hell of a lot better than getting on Ray Lewis’ bad side.
Final thought: O say can you see by the dawn’s early light,
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight’s last gleaming,
Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight,
O’er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming?
And the rockets’ red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there;
O say does that star-spangled banner yet wave,
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave?