The Poor Scholars staff spends much of the day trading ridiculous ideas that we could potentially write about. Most of theses ideas are never used or slowly developed, but as Rambo and I started discussing the old MTV Rock N’ Jock series earlier this week, I knew we were really on to something.
But when I started researching the old, glorified pick-up games that featured athletes, musicians and celebrities I came to the startling realization that Rock N’ Jock had been dead for over a decade.
I received further confirmation of the irrelevance of Rock N’ Jock when I asked my younger brother and Poor Scholars staffer Troy Phillips, who was born in the 90s, if he knew what Rock N’ Jock was.
He had no clue.
I was devastated; I felt like I’d let my brother down.
(My greatest failure as an older brother to Troy is not insisting he record shows on the DVR in HD. Who records shows in non-HD? My brother; and I blame myself entirely. Otherwise my track record is 100% perfect.)
As a quick overview to the uninformed, MTV produced a series of sporting events in the 90s and early 2000s that combined the biggest athletes and pop culture icons in glorified pick-up games. Whether it was softball, basketball, bowling, or football, the games were very casual with fun wrinkles added in to spice up the games up for non-sports fans (women). These included things like 10-point hot spots in basketball or armchair receivers in football.
While it was fun to see which celebrities sucked at sports and which young athletes were trying too hard to impress groupies, the best part of Rock N’ Jock was the trash talk throughout the game. With everyone on the floor — coaches included — being mic’d up it was like watching a NFL films trash-talking video without the fear of fines and with the inclusion of celebrities that were actually funny.
So why did Rock N’ Jock die? Athletes love mingling with celebrities, celebrities love showing their athletic prowess, and everyone in both parties wants additional camera time.
That’s why I decided to craft my own version of the Rock N’ Jock Super Bowl for the modern era.
The rules will be simple:
- Two halves that each run 30 minutes. Running clock. Stoppages in final two minutes of each half.
- Flag football. Or in other words, the NFL in another decade.
- Teams will play 7-on-7. Each team must have two females on the field at all times and attempt one pass or throw from a female every four downs while on offense.
- Offenses start at own 20-yard line with 4 downs to reach 30 yards. First down markers at 50-yard line and opposing team’s 20-yard line.
- No kicking of any kind.
- No penalties of any kind.
- Touchdowns equal six points. Point-after try for offense, if converted, equals 1 point from 10-yard line; 2 points from 20-yard line; 3 points from 30-yard line; 4 points from 40-yard line; 5 points from 50-yard line.
I selected teams on a few criteria as well:
- Five NFL players per team, including one quarterback.
- Four females for each team.
- No T.O. or Chad Ocho Cinco.
Now without further ado: MTV, Poor Scholars and some brand of condoms that light up, vibrate, and taste like cotton candy presents:
ROCK N’ JOCK SUPER BOWL 2013
We first kick-off our coverage with a moment of silence and brief tribute to former Rock N’ Jock play-by-play announcer Ken Ober, who unfortunately passed away in 2009. In memory of Ken Ober; one of the greats.
Our studio team comprises of Greg Gumbel and Marshall Faulk — experienced in football studio shows and both New Orleans natives — and is rounded out by “The Sports Guy” Bill Simmons, Rock N’ Jock legend Dan Cortese and Snooki. Simmons and Cortese would appreciate being apart of this and they can give insights on both athletes and celebrities; Snooki was added to appease MTV and so America can laugh at her.
(On a sidenote, does Dan Cortese list, “Head of MTV Sports” on his resume and do people actually acknowledge that in a serious way?)
Of course, the sideline reporters for Rock N’ Jock Super Bowl 2013 are top-notch as well. Since Rob Gronkowski is injured, we put him to use by handing him a microphone and telling him to interview anybody he wanted. Handing Gronk a mic and having him interview celebrities, fellow NFL players (“Dude, YOU play FOOTBALL? So do I!”), cheerleaders he wants to bang, and a couple of his unruly bros sounds like riveting television. In fact, “Gronk Cam” — a small picture-in-picture box at the bottom right corner of the screen — might be a necessity.
The other sideline reporting will feature the return of the comedic juggernaut duo of Redman and Method Man. Red and Meth are both Rock N’ Jock veterans and they always make for great television. I’m all for anything that puts the two of them in the same room.
Being an MTV Rock N’ Jock, we of course have a pregame musical performance by America’s hottest rapper: A$AP Rocky. After A$AP laments on his “Fuckin’ Problems”, the national anthem will be done by one of America’s favorite musical power couples: John Mayer and Katy Perry. Listening to John Mayer play the national anthem has the potential to be awesome and it’ll be funny to watch replays in a few years when Katy Perry inevitably joins the likes of Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jennifer Aniston and Jessica Simpson in the John Mayer ex-girlfriend pile.
Now we send it to our commentators for the game, headed by the legendary Gus Johnson! Gus Johnson was born to call Rock N’ Jock games. Well, Gus Johnson was born to call pretty much any event, and I’d even have him call my future children’s first communion if it were allowed.
Joining Gus in the booth is Rock N’ Jock legend Bill Bellamy and comedian Aziz Ansari. This trio has A+ potential across the board. Gus can liberally yell, scream, and demonically laugh when he pleases, Bellamy can bring up his storied Rock N’ Jock past while providing insight, and Aziz can just crack jokes and do Aziz things as Gus oversells all of his jokes.
The in-game DJ duties go to local New Orleans legend Mannie Fresh. Like there was any other choice in the matter?
Halftime belongs to the return of former Rock N’ Jock alum Justin Timberlake. With a new album out in March, Timberlake is re-focused on music and doesn’t have time for silly things like flag football and acting. Timberlake hasn’t performed in over four years, and Rock N’ Jock is undercutting the DirecTV private party because JT is a man of the people and doesn’t care to perform for a bullshit private cocktail reception over his people.
Before the game, the honorary game ball will be presented by Bill Clinton and the “Ragin’ Cajun” James Carville.
Now on to the actual game.
A lot has been made about Harbaugh vs. Harbaugh (or the Harbowl) in the Super Bowl, but we’ve got an even BETTER coaching match-up.
The Skull Crushers will be the road team and will be coached by Lil Wayne and Eli Manning and they’ll square off against the Bounty Hunters coached by Master P and Peyton Manning.
MANNING VERSUS MANNING!
NO LIMIT VERSUS CASH MONEY!
ALL NEW ORLEANS NATIVES!
The Harbowl doesn’t have shit on Rock N’ Jock Super Bowl 2013.
Now to unveil the rosters:
Skull Crushers (road team)
Coaches: Lil Wayne & Eli Manning – Since Lil Weezy and Eli Manning are younger they will coach the road team.
Honorary Captain: Keanu Reeves – Rock N’ Jock just wouldn’t be the same without an appearance from Johnny Utah/Shane Falco. Keanu is semi-pissed that he wasn’t invited to play and re-live his Rock N’ Jock glory days, but he’s just happy to be here nonetheless.
1. Cam Newton – Cam Newton is a logical choice for this game. He’s young, athletic, charismatic, and a former No. 1 draft pick. Plus, Cam’s tired of 8-year old Nate talking shit.
2. Victor Cruz – Coach Eli had to add his favorite target and Victor’s salsa dancing will fit in perfectly when he scores a touchdown.
3. J.J. Watt – The best defensive end in the game now has the chance to terrify opponents and bat down passes in a flag football game.
4. Jamaal Charles – Jamaal Charles finally gets to play in a game that means something!
5. Tim Tebow – I know, I know. I didn’t want to add Tebow in the game, either. But the ratings boost Tebow gives will ensure future Rock N’ Jock Super Bowls and we can watch him run around and be a glorified blocker. Plus, his halftime abstinence PSA with Katy Perry will shatter the unintentional comedy scale.
6. Reggie Bush – He’s a former Saint and also electrifying in the open field. Perfect for a flag football game. And what happens if Kim and Kanye show up?
7. Usain Bolt – Usain Bolt is the fastest human being on Earth, he wants to try football, and he’s arrogant as fuck. Perfect Rock N’ Jock player. You’re full of shit if you aren’t interested in watching Usain try to run 70 yards to catch a Cam Newton bomb as Patrick Peterson is on the coverage.
8. Justin Bieber – It’s MTV, what did you honestly expect?
9. Taylor Lautner – Taylor Lautner fits the MTV demographic and also seems like a great candidate to be this generation’s, “guy that tries a little too hard in the Rock N’ Jock games.”
10. Dean Cain – Oh, speaking of the “guy that tries a little too hard in the Rock N’ Jock games”, we have a Dean Cain sighting! Now Dean can pass the torch to Taylor Lautner and provide for some hilarious in-game coaching between the two.
11. Ronnie from Jersey Shore – Ronnie from Jersey Shore is perfect for this game. MTV is pleased he’s in the game, he gets to display more dance moves, and we finally get to see how short Ronnie really is. The Jersey Shore cast was always giving Ronnie crap for being short, but now we get to see him stand next to legitimately tall football players and see for ourselves.
12. JWoww from Jersey Shore – JWoww needs to redeem herself after the Stars in Danger high-dive debacle.
13. Jennifer Lopez – J-Lo seemed pretty involved in the DirecTV flag football game a few years back, and she could always use more camera time.
14. Lindsey Vonn – Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn is recently divorced and will surely be in New Orleans partying. Maybe with Tiger Woods.
15. Emma Stone – America loves Emma Stone, but can she play football?
Bounty Hunters (home team)
Coaches: Master P and Peyton Manning – I could see Master P and Peyton Manning being waaaaaay too prepared to coach this game.
Honorary Captain: Nelly – Nelly, also fuming by the lack of an invite to participate in the game, is just happy that somebody remembered that he still makes music.
1. Drew Brees – Beloved local quarterback Drew Brees QBs the Bounty Hunters and can make the public forget about the Saints’ lackluster 2012 season with a strong showing in Rock N’ Jock Super Bowl 2013.
2. Patrick Peterson – The game’s most electrifying return man (stop sobbing, Devin Hester) went to LSU, so he adds some more local flavor to the “home team.” Watching him cover Usain Bolt would be riveting.
3. Matt Forte – Another local product that graduated from Tulane, Forte is one of the NFL’s best receivers out of the backfield and gives Drew Brees another target.
4. Mike Wallace – Wallace is also from New Orleans and — like all of his teammates — didn’t make the playoffs in 2012.
5. Jimmy Graham – Rock N’ Jock Super Bowl 2013 needed a big-time tight end (that wasn’t trying to fuck everything that moves in the stands), and who better than Drew Brees’ favorite Red Zone target?
6. Demetress Bell – Karl Malone’s illegitimate son wants his chance to shine. Seriously, Karl Malone owes his entire NBA career and livelihood to Demetress’ mother, who didn’t press charges against Malone for getting her pregnant even though SHE WAS 13 AND HE WAS 20! Karl Malone is the world’s worst father. America is pulling for you, Demetress!
7. Nick Lachey – 98 Degrees is making a comeback this year, and so is Nick Lachey, one of Rock N’ Jock’s legendary “guys that try too hard.” And no, Nick, your little brother and his fucking friends can’t play in the game. People wanna watch real celebrities. Just be happy you’re involved.
8. Ludacris – Luda was a staple of the old Rock N’ Jocks and is happy to be involved. The Bounty Hunters needed more trash talking, so he’s a perfect addition.
9. 2 Chainz – One of America’s hottest rappers, 2 Chainz actually played college basketball at Alabama State and has good size at 6-4 to be in the game. Plus, he used to be under Luda’s Disturbing the Peace label and should get along with him on the sidelines.
10. Channing Tatum – I’m anxious to see how hard Channing Tatum would try in a Rock N’ Jock game. His Dad is from New Orleans, and Channing recently opened his own club in NOLA (hence his home team inclusion) so drinks are on him if the Bounty Hunters pull it off.
11. Josh Hutcherson – An MTV pick since he’s in the Hunger Games. If he gets a pass thrown his way I’d be stunned.
12. Jessica Biel – Since husband Justin Timberlake is performing, she needed to keep tabs on him since a certain ex-girlfriend from Louisiana might be lurking in the wings to kidnap him.
13. Kendra Wilkinson – Her husband fancies himself an NFL player but since nobody wants him, SOMEONE has to pay the bills.
14. Jenny McCarthy – Another 90s MTV throwback, McCarthy recently dated Chicago Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher, so maybe she got some tips from him before the game.
15. Ali Landry – The Doritos girl gets revenge!
So there you have it, folks. Rock N’ Jock Super Bowl 2013!
We’d love to hear other suggestions for participants or who the winner of our version of the game would be in the comments below!