Photo Credit: Creatively Endeavored
BY POOR SCHOLARS STAFF
During the Royal Rumble, Poor Scholars’ Scott Phillips and Rambo Nomolos took notes and traded texts as the action went on. Since Rambo was too hungover — we’ll let it slide, it was his celebration the night before — the annual draft didn’t occur but the action still went on. This post also contains results. There, we said it, so you can’t complain.
Rambo: The Royal Rumble pre-show is ending. Renee Young and Scott Stanford (?) doing a great job…actually not really. You’d think there would be more excitement for one of the biggest PPVs of the year. I wonder how much it would cost WWE to get Gus Johnson in for Wrestlemania. The video packages they show are still the best around though. Unfortunately we are going to be seeing this same package at least 10 times tonight.
Rambo: 434 days, longest reign in modern WWE history. You really get the feeling its ending tonight. It’s a shame too, CM Punk has been a great champion. I think we are headed to another Rocky/Cena match up at Wrestlemania.
Rambo: There’s a guy in the crowd holding up a sign that reads 15 PPVs in a row. That is some dedication.
Alberto Del Rio (champion) vs. The Big Show
Scott: A Last Man Standing match featuring Big Show? Ugh…
Rambo: You gotta love the Rumble though. First match right out of the gate is a title match.
Scott: I enjoyed the bit with Bret Hart being backstage and giving Alberto’s manager Ricardo his trademark shades before the match. Also, no more exotic cars for Alberto Del Rio for his entrance? That part was so sick!
Rambo: A rare Bret Hart sighting and we get the quote, “Alberto Del Rio reminds me of a Mexican Bret Hart.” Wow, they are really pushing ADR as a face. Ricardo also is gifted a pair of glasses from Bret Hart. Hopefully he puts those to good use during his entrance.
Rambo: We get our first shot and mention of the Spanish announce table. Over/under on what time it’s getting broken? I’m saying sometime during the Rumble.
Rambo: JBL is seemingly refusing to call Big Show by his proper name. I think he has called him “The Giant” at least 10 times already.
Scott: I can’t believe Big Show is still the following:
C. Wrestling in a title match in a PPV
D. All of the above
Rambo: SI, SI, SI, SI!…we’ve got a great crowd here already in Phoenix considering this match involves The Big Show.
Rambo: First big bump of the evening. Show throws Del Rio off part of the stage through a table. It was almost a half choke slam through a table.
Scott: People constantly criticize pro wrestling, and often give me shit for occasionally watching it, but I can’t take my eyes off of grown men going through tables after a 10-foot fall. It’s in my DNA or something.
Rambo: Ricardo gets involved; you knew it was only a matter of time until he was involved. Alberto Del Rio makes a call back to ECW and uses a fire extinguisher to blind Show. Del Rio wins via hog tie? Ricardo duct tapes Show’s feet together around the bottom rope and he is unable to get up. All-in-all the first match was just ok, but considering Show was involved that is quite a feat.
Scott: Just get me to the Rumble already…
Promos between matches
Scott: AJ Lee. Marry me. Soooo hot.
Rambo: I’ve never hear Big E speak before but apparently he sounds like Dave Chappelle playing a white person.
Rambo: Ryback really, really sucks. Horrible, horrible promo. He made Randy Orton’s promo look good…
Scott: I absolutely love the Royal Rumble tradition of interviewing Rumble participants in rapid-fire succession. I can already hear Hulkster yelling, “Well let me tell ya something, Mene Gene!”
Team Hell No (Kane and Daniel Bryan; champions) vs. Team Rhodes Scholars (Damien Sandow and Cody Rhodes)
Rambo: I’m not a big Cody Rhodes fan, but that mustache was probably the best career move he has ever made.
Scott: Kudos to the fan with the Cody Rhodes mustache sign. Also, why the hell are they TEAM Rhodes Scholars? Why not just Rhodes Scholars?
Rambo: Team Hell No is my favorite tag team of the last 10 or so years. Let’s hope Dr. Shelby makes an appearance.
Scott: Daniel Bryan covering his ears like a scared little kid during Kane’s in-ring pyro always kills me.
Rambo: Michael Cole, The King, and JBL are putting on a tour de force in the announcing booth right now. Between Daniel Bryan being a vegan and having a goat face and Cody Rhodes mustache, they can’t keep it together. JBL just made his 15th dated reference of the night already…he just compared Cody Rhodes’ mustache to Tom Selleck.
Scott: I just can’t respect Damien Sandow knowing that he’s a cross between Rick “The Model” Martel and The Genius.
Rambo: Team Hell No retain the titles, but more importantly Michael Cole comes up with this line: “I’ve said it before and I will say it again, Dr. Shelby should be nominated for a Nobel Piece Prize.” The announce team have been the real winners of the night so far.
Rambo: Big February for New Orleans… Super Bowl next week and Elimination Chamber later in the month.
(Editor’s Note: I’m truly astonished Rambo failed to mention Mardi Gras in his New Orleans comment. He goes to St. Louis nearly every year for Mardi Gras! He loves it!)
Scott: The Royal Rumble is easily my favorite wrestling event of all-time. I still remember my Dad ordering the 1992 Royal Rumble in the basement of our old house in Addison like it was yesterday and it’s been a tradition for me ever since. That also made me realize how much time and money my parents spent for me to enjoy professional wrestling; something they didn’t enjoy very much. And now I’m putting my journalism degree from private school to use by talking about wrestling with my friends. I’m a terrible son. Sorry Mom and Dad. At least I’m not in jail or a Green Bay Packers fan…
Rambo: Here we go…it’s Rumble time! Ziggler coming out as number 1. I’m still predicting the longest stay in the Rumble ever.
Scott: On a sidenote, I hate that the Royal Rumble is not the main event. It’s the name of the event! Plus, it’s always more intriguing knowing who both champions are going into the Rumble.
Scott: Ziggler is one of my favorite wrestlers of today. I can’t stop looking at AJ Lee though. She’s ridiculously hot.
Rambo: Break the walls down! First surprise of the Rumble. Y2J is back. He appears to be rocking some sort of modified euro mullet crossed with a spike pompadour. Interesting choice, also looks to be sporting some new tattoos. His entrance just brought the house down though.
I called for the return of Jericho in our preview email exchange
! 1-for-1 so far. Some of my hardcore wrestling friends are shocked by Jericho’s return. My reason I thought he would be back: Fozzy, his band, only had a few tour dates in February and had most of January and March off. I thought wrestling nerds were supposed to know how to use the internet?
Rambo: Cody Rhodes enters at number 3…that was a long “90 seconds.”
Scott: I’ve always wanted to enter a party after a Royal Rumble-style 10-second countdown. Complete with theme music, pyrotechnics and an adoring crowd cheering my name.
Rambo: Santino is the first elimination of the evening. No surprises there.
Scott: Santino sucks, but a strong Rumble thus far. Lot of decent star power in the first couple guys.
Rambo: Wow…Goldust is back. That is a real shocker. For some reason I thought Dustin Rhodes for sure had died. We do have a great moment between Goldust and Cody (his real-life biological brother). Cody with the Goldust drop-punch on his brother.
Scott: Watching the Rumble at my buddy Raj’s place and we’re both cracking up at the return of Goldust.
Rambo: Seamus enters in at No. 11. Early entry for last year’s winner.
Rambo: The crowd is extremely upset by the elimination of Goldust. Again, this is a great crowd here tonight.
Rambo: I’m not sure if Kofi Kingston will ever become a main eventer, but he is criminally underrated as a wrestler. For the second year in a row he has the most innovative save. He might have actually outdone last year’s hand stand. He jumps on Tensai’s back to make it to the announce table.
Scott: Why wouldn’t Kofi Kingston just stay on the table until everyone was eliminated? Who is going to reach him there? Would another wrestler try to sabotage Kofi’s table plan by trying to throw a wrestler through the Spanish announce table to also eliminate Kofi? That would be so epic.
Scott: Holy shit, Rey Mysterio got fat… Can he even make it over the top rope on his own?
Rambo: The hoooooooo train is back! Short cameo by the Godfather was a good touch by WWE.
I’m in tears I’m laughing so hard at the Godfather’s return. Saturday night our buddy S. Javs dropped a bombshell revelation at a party by saying, “So my older sister was apart of the Ho Train once…” Greatest party segue of all time. I even tweeted about it
at that very moment.
Rambo: John Cena enters at 19. I think we are looking at the winner right here, folks. I was definitely disappointed in last year’s Rumble. This year it has been much better already. In the ring right now we have Y2J, Cena, Rey, Ziggler, Seamus, and Wade Barrett.
Scott: I think the guy with the sign that says, “Cena Nuff” summed it up for me.
Rambo: Can we please get rid of The Great Khali?
Rambo: Uhh ohh, Daniel Bryan eliminates Kane. I think we are heading to a feud.
Scott: I called the Daniel Bryan and Kane feud via the Rumble in our preview! 2-for-2! I think the WWE hacked our emails during the week, Rambo.
Scott: And now NXT “star” Bo Dallas eliminates Intercontinental champion Wade Barrett! Gonna count that as a correct prediction on my part. 3-for-3. WWE should just hire me already to spruce things up in their writing department.
Rambo: Again, I hate Ryback; who, by the way, just entered in at No. 30. I thought for sure The Shield was going to be in the Rumble. I guess not. That means we will be hearing from them (unfortunately) in the main event.
Scott: Not a Ryback fan, but I could see him appealing to kids. Also, this final 6 of Ziggler, Ryback, Orton, Cena, Seamus and Jericho is fantastic. You could make a legit case for any of these guys winning.
Rambo: Wow, what a shocker…Cena and Ryback are the final two contestants.
Scott: Ugh, Cena wins AGAIN. It was a great Rumble though. One of the best in years.
Rambo: No one saw that coming! Oh wait, we all did. Cena wins the Rumble. It kind of sucks knowing that The Rock is guaranteed to win now.
CM Punk (champion) vs. The Rock
Rambo: Great pre-match promo cut by The Rock. WWE is better when Rocky is back. At least he will be sticking around until after Wrestlemania after he wins tonight.
Scott: Diehard wrestling friends hated the promo. I thought it was great. Rock SHOULD come out angry and aggressive from time-to-time.
Rambo: Punk entering first tells you all you need to know: The Rock is going to win tonight.
Scott: I consider CM Punk to be the fifth Chicago pro sports team I root for. Punk is the only reason I semi-care about wrestling anymore.
Rambo: Punk walks the title up to The Rock’s face. Another great heel move. Followed up by a very, very underrated heel move: CM Punk gets the crowd thinking he is going to use the Spanish announce table and then puts it back together. Needless to say, the crowd was not happy.
Scott: Punk bowing to the Spanish announce team was legitimately hilarious. Punk’s comedic timing through his actions is second-to-none.
Rambo: Slow-paced match so far. Punk is wearing The Rock out right now. Working on his midsection that The Shield damaged last Monday.
Rambo: CM Punk hits a dropkick, knocking The Rock out of the ring and then goes off the top rope to the outside of the ring. Punk is now “favoring” his surgically repaired knee. I think we are going to see a Sharpshooter from Rocky at some point here soon.
I find it hilarious that world-renowned athlete surgeon Dr. James Andrews
did Punk’s arthroscopic knee surgery. Can you imagine Punk’s surgery pushing back someone like RG III’s surgery and the reaction of an NFL power agent like Drew Rosenhaus to that news?
“CM Punk? The wrestler? WRESTLING IS FAKE, DOCTOR ANDREWS! RG III HAS A SUBWAY COMMERCIAL TO SHOOT AT THE END OF THIS WEEK!”
Rambo: Great sequence of near finishing moves and submissions ending in a reversal of the Rock Bottom into the Sharpshooter.
Rambo: They are setting up for a Rock Bottom through the Spanish announce table. A little later than I thought but still. Ouch, the table can’t hold up. That was brutal looking. The Rock settles for a RB outside the ring leading to our first near-fall as Punk barely kicks out.
Scott: I think that Rock Bottom through the Spanish announce table was botched and the Rock Bottom on the outside of the ring was a makeup. That botched Rock Bottom/table fall looked legitimately painful.
Rambo: The Rock is setting Punk up for the People’s Elbow. Lights go out and here is The Shield. I guess Punk can’t be stripped of the title if no one could see that The Shield power bombed The Rock through the regular announce table.
Scott: The lights going out right before the move everybody wanted to see is a great move by WWE. Nobody expects the lights to get cut right before the People’s Elbow during a title match.
Rambo: Punk wins…I’m glad they had Punk keep the title, but I am sick of this Shield interference shit. I’m extremely disappointed in the match. I was expecting a much better match.
Scott: Punk wins!
Rambo: NO CHANCE! Vince is in the building.
Rambo: The Rock is restarting the match! This is much better. We need a proper ending to this title match.
Scott: I’m glad The Rock can come back whenever he wants and get a title shot, and then demand the match restart when he loses…
Rambo: And we don’t get it. The Rock hits Punk with a People’s Elbow and that is all she wrote. Really? Really? REALLY? You gotta think that Punk had something to do with that ending. If he had to lose the title, no matter what, that has to be a wink and a nod to the fans. Losing with the People’s Elbow is basically the most ridiculous way to lose the title. He held the title for 434 days!
Rock vs. Cena again….Great… I’ll still watch Wrestlemania, but I’m finding an illegal feed for sure. I’m mad, but not nearly as mad as this guy