Think your job sucks?

Photo Credit: Office Space/20th Century Fox

Photo Credit: Office Space/20th Century Fox

BY RAMBO NOMOLOS

“Oh, oh, and I almost forgot. Ahh, I’m also gonna need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday, too…”

We’ve all heard that line uttered to us before, right? Well actually as disappointing as it may seem most people don’t have bosses like Bill Lumbergh. What we do share in common with Peter Gibbons is that our jobs suck for the most part.

I hear people all the time telling me how much they love their jobs and how satisfying it is doing things like coaching underprivileged youth basketball while also teaching them life lessons; Coach Carter style.

To those people: I have a few basic questions to determine whether or not your job sucks.

  • Do you have to work 40 hours a week in an office or other setting that’s not the comforts of your own residence?
  • Do you have a manager or boss that you report to?
  • Do you make less than a mid six-figure salary?

If you answered yes to any of those questions, you need to face reality that as good as your job might seem, it definitely sucks.

Chances are you aren’t any of these guys, any of these people, or this guy so there is a good chance Lumbergh is asking you for those TPS reports again Monday morning.

I know reading this may produce a sobering effect on how you think about life. The good news is that now you know that your job sucks and there are certain things to counteract the depression your job may bring. Every person copes with this in a different way, I myself suggest alcohol. A lot of alcohol, like, Nick Nolte circa 2002 levels of alcohol.

(Editor’s Note: Rambo’s not kidding. A LOT of alcohol is his means for coping with the rigors of work.)

What? You’re asking if there is something else that will make you feel better about your job besides alcohol? Why yes there is!

The other day, a report came out that hundreds of Chinese workers from the Shanghai Shinmei Electric Company held their managers hostage for a day-and-a-half over shitty company policies:

            “The workers demanded the scrapping of the ridiculously strict requirements stipulating that workers only have two minutes to go to the toilet and workers will be fined 50 yuan ($8) if they are late once and fired if they are late twice,” said the security guard, surnamed Feng. “The managers were later freed when police intervened and when they agreed to reconsider the rules.”

Wait, what?

I generally don’t tend to approve of any hostage situations. In this case though, an exception might have to be made. Two minutes to go to the bathroom? That’s not even enough time to read one article on your iPhone while you are sitting on the shitter. And don’t even think about trying to play any games or text your friends about the terrible things you are doing to the bathroom. While there are some things I could accomplish in two minutes (here’s a hint, I was referencing sex…with a woman) taking a dump at work is not one of them.

The only thing I will say about the late policy at Shanghai Shinmei Electric Company is that I have been late for work every day for the last five months…at least.

So people, on this day you can take solace in the fact that you don’t work in a Chinese factory. No matter how bad your job sucks, it hasn’t gotten to the point where you are forced to start taking people hostage.

What’s that? Lumbergh is asking for the TPS reports again…wait and he also just told you that he is having the IT department block Gchat on all work computers?

You better start thinking about demands for when the negotiators ask what you want in exchange for Bill.

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