Five college football coaches you don’t want texting you

May or may not be fake texts.

May or may not be fake texts.


In an attempt to focus on meaningful and enforceable regulations, the mall cops on the NCAA Division I Board of Directors have decided to go ahead and make life hell for college football coaches and ruin the senior years of high school for many of its prospective student-athletes©.

The board passed Proposal 13-3, which proposed to lift the limit of recruiting communication, including text messages.

The class of 2014 will be the first class to be attacked by air, land and sea from coaches – non-stop. There will be no dead periods, the previous ban on texts is no more and the one phone call a week rule has unofficially been replaced with the 1,000 phone calls a day rule.

The reality of the matter is that coaches are going to be blowing up the phones of teenagers across the country. Wealthy, middle-aged men will be doing their best to find a way to form a contrived relationship with a teenager they desperately want something from.

The number of phone calls and texts will soon turn into the currency of recruiting

Most of the times, staffs at the BCS-level are going to bring in people to hit the recruiting hard via text, social media, etc. But the head coaches are going to have to be the ones making calls to the five star guys.

So if you’re a blue-chip recruit, here are five head coaches whose numbers you just need to block.

1) Urban Meyer, Ohio State – This guy will take over your life via text. I doubt he was the coach to invent texting as a recruiting tool, but he certainly mastered it. The dude racked up top class after top class and never took a second off at Florida. It won him two national titles and landed him in the back of an ambulance.

But you don’t want this kind of trouble, kids. Meyer successfully recruited a female gymnast to join the Gators’ gymnastics team because she was the girlfriend of a five star wide receiver. He would send hundreds of texts a day to these kids, ignored his own and nearly killed himself trying to balance that with winning football games. The NCAA ban on texts was the best thing that ever happened to that guy.

2) Les Miles, LSU – Can you imagine the crazy things this guy would say to kids via text? Look at what he says in the media. He eats grass openly on sideline and holds press conferences like this. He’s fun and awesome with the media, but you can’t help but wonder what kind of crazy stuff that guy says behind closed doors.

3) Nick Saban, Alabama – I feel like Saban would just send out a mass text every 3 hours saying: “You’ve been chosen. I –Nick Saban — want you to be a member of the 2016 and 2017 national championship teams. If you don’t respond in the next 17 seconds you will never hear from me again.”

At this point that’s all he has to do, right? But I feel like Saban keeps a running tab on all the guys that showed interest and didn’t go to Bama. He would think less of them as humans and seek their demise. He has a database somewhere in his situation room (actually a convention center) of former recruits turned enemies.

4) Dana Holgorsen, West Virginia – This is Holgorsen’s best bet at getting recruits, so I’m assuming he hits the phones and keypads pretty hard. Selling those 800 yards passing performances, burning couches and coonskin caps is easy until you show up to the kid’s house looking like Bill Murray in Kingpin. The moment that happens all those texts suddenly seem weird.

5) Tommy Tuberville, Cincinnati – The guy is now known for excusing himself to go to the bathroom during dinner with Texas Tech recruits and never returning to the table. The following day he took the Cincinnati job. You can’t trust a guy like that over a medium where identities can be manipulated easily. (Insert Manti Te’o joke here).

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